Christmas

I have unfortunately been struggling this year to remember the "true meaning" of Christmas. I was depressed for some time. (the winter does tend to help with that) but now that i know the days are getting longer, its lifting. Its like a dark cloud passing from my mind or a weight lifted off my shoulders. It feels like something is missing but I don't mind it being gone. We watched "its a wonderful life" the Sunday before Christmas and I never have related to it quite so much. The quiet desperation of a man believing he is meant for greater things than life is handing him. Watching as he makes charactered choices that are not in sync with his desires, it reminds me that this is something I often fail to do. To see the bigger picture, the eternal perspective, the whole enchilada, if you will. There is so much more to this life than the tiny little piece we live in. I just wish I could remember every moment of every day the eternal consequences of my actions. That every choice has an event that naturally follows. . . I choose to not do the dishes; they are harder to do later when the food is dried on. I choose to stay up and write on my blog, I am extra tired and crabby then next day. I am sorry to say I am 90% talk and 5% action. (that leaves 5% for inbetween) . I used to have some kind of motivation. I have been questioning that every time i read my scriptures lately; What is it that motivates people to action? To find my "why" I have had to delve deep into uncharted and long forgotten waters, and stir them up. I discovered why I was so motivated 8 years ago, and why I am not so any longer. It is really depressing stuff. I used to enjoy reading, I don't so much anymore. I used to enjoy a good movie; I have no problem turning even the most "compelling story" off at any point in time. I don't really DO much, or enjoy much, or get stirred up about things so much anymore. However, this Christmas we shared with my husband's brother, sister, and a friend so near & dear he may as well be a brother. I didn't have much money to spend on each of their gifts so i had to take a long hard look into what would mean the most to them. I found things that didn't cost much money but that i knew would be enjoyed or appreciated. I actually tried. And my real reward was watching them react and realizing that I had tried, and it had really meant something. (unlike my son who hasn't really played with his toys, baby sister's are just to interesting!) Well, I sure was blessed this Christmas, i recieved much more than i deserved, and definately much much more than I hoped for. So I just got really tired so I will say "God Bless us, Everyone!"